As I began thinking about how I wanted to articulate “my story” I found myself trying to hide, how can I write this so I don’t feel needy or less than or ultimately humiliated and ashamed.
This can’t be avoided.
So here goes.
My name is Lori, I am 52 years old. About a year ago my husband left, my business was hanging on by a thread, I was thousands of dollars in debt, my vehicle blew up (smoke and all) I was exhausted, overweight, and feeling the effects in my body of not taking care of myself. I moved in with my parents and began to heal.
Over two months [before all this happened], I was speaking on stage in front of 400 female entrepreneurs, encouraging them to discover the power within them so they could overcome anything. Little did I know just around the corner was my opportunity to live that talk out for myself at the deepest level.
It was quite a humiliating AND humbling experience.
A Y Story Begins
My Y story began about 6 months later when my Dad who is fighting cancer expressed a desire to do water aerobics because it was an exercise he could do. I was so excited to come alongside him and encourage him. But “should” I spend the money on myself to go to the gym when I have so many other obligations and at that time had no income? I decided to swallow my pride so I could serve my dad and see if I could get some financial aid.
I filled out the paperwork and Karen responded with the most heartfelt email. I was given the maximum gift. I could not have been more relieved and excited. So the next day I was in the pool next to my dad. It was invigorating and I felt so good for the first time in months. Every day I came I felt better and better, stronger and stronger, not just in my body but in my mind.
I felt so blessed and lucky to be at the Y. I walked in each day and was greeted with smiles and “Hi Lori, glad you are here today”. My confidence began to increase and I felt the old me coming back. I wanted to give back so badly because I had been given so much. I prayed and asked God what I could do. We decided that since I had started driving for Uber, I could give back any cash tips I received. I was so excited about the first delivery I made to Karen. I cried with a deep, worthy kind of pride as I handed her a small stack of cash. I told her the impact the Y was making in me was WAY more than just the physical changes that were happening.
Six weeks later my Uber account was hacked, they took about $1,800 and they were attached to my account so I couldn’t drive because all my money was going into an account that wasn’t mine. I was struggling to get it fixed on Uber’s side. I felt so powerless feeling like I was doing everything I could to get my life back on track and now this and there was nothing more I could do. God softly whispered, what can you control? You can control your focus and your choices. Where do you feel value and strength? My mind’s attention went instantly to the Y. When I come in, I feel so valued and loved. I get on those machines or go to a class and I can remind myself I’m strong in body and mind. I began to focus on what I could control. I focused on who I am becoming and the environment I’m blessed to be surrounded by at the Y.
Finding Who I Am
The financial weight removed by the scholarships was just the beginning of what I have gained. The self-confidence, the physical restoration, the encouragement, and the rebuilding of who I think I am, are the priceless culmination.
My physical circumstances have not changed much, (except I have lost 8 Lbs) but the hope that they will, grows every day. And the inevitable humiliation I spoke about at the beginning of this letter is nothing more than the shifting perspective of who I THINK I am. The truth is I am a person in need, not needy. I am a person with only less than what I will have tomorrow, growing in strength and confidence. I am a person transforming my ability to receive, not an unworthy person who can’t.
Allowing myself to enter into that humiliation and realize that I am STILL accepted with all my temporary shortcomings, I STILL belong here, and that I am FULLY loved for me even when I have nothing to give at the moment, all the humiliation fades away.
As I am writing this the song by Casting Crowns comes to mind “Love Moved First“, there is a line that says “You didn’t wait for me, to find my way to you, I couldn’t cross that distance even if I wanted to” the Y has been and continues to be a lifeline back to me. It is LOVE manifesting in everyday people.
Thank you to the staff, donors, partners, and especially Karen for believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Thank you for being a vehicle to help heal my shame. And, thank you again for this opportunity to vocalize my journey.
With grateful tears falling,
Lori
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